New study to study studies

Studyville, N.D., August 18, 2011 --- The Center to Study Studies, headquartered here,  announced today it would begin publishing a quarterly study to study studies.“It makes a whole lot of sense,” said Dr. Sigmund Search, the center's executive director. “We're seeing more and more bizarre studies being published each and every day, so why not study the studies?”

Dr. Search says the center will specialize in tracking studies that publish completely opposite findings on the exact same subject. “I salivate like Pavlov's dog when I see one study that proves eating red meat clogs arteries while another one says it improves strength and endurance,” noted Search, who added: “Speaking of salivating, I recently saw studies on the subject from two, highly reputable institutions. One said too much salivating led to cavities. The other said it indicated superb oral health.”

Search said the Center's new, quarterly study is perfectly timed. “Americans are dazed and confused by everything they see, hear and read, so why not confirm it from a statistical standpoint?” he asked. Search added that surveys are “…the lifeblood of corporate America, PR firms and the media.”

“Let's call a spade a spade,” sniffed Search. “Surveys are the media's crystal meth. They're like crack heads who need pointless surveys each and every day to fill the 24x7 news beast. And, corporations love using surveys to prove their newest drug isn't quite as dangerous as it may seem. As for PR firms, show me one annual program that doesn't contain at least one survey? It's a great time to be a survey guy!”

The Center to Study Studies was founded in 2008 by Dr. Sigmund Search, who rose to fame by studying the effect of studies on laboratory rats. It is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Studies-R-Us, Inc., a Princeton, NJ-based conglomerate that studies the effect of studies on aliens, little people and members of the Tea Party.

Comments

[Art Aiello]

And I understand that the effect of studies on lab rats was essentially a 95% mortality rate...

[RepMan]

Touche, Art. I may commission a study to study how many times I smile when I receive comments like this (and whether they help or hurt my emotional state).